Time to heal!!

"The healing process is not a finger snap away. It is accepting what has happened and choosing to be free" #QueenMotivatesQueen.

Over the years, I have struggled with healing. Why? I did not see my wounds. I did not want to see them, and I had no intention of accepting what was going on in my life and how impacting it would have been on my life. Someone once said to me "your experiences help to build your character. It can either break you or build you" and I have come to realize that this is true.

Throughout this post, you will read how I have been hurt, manipulated, and discouraged. How I thought I would be safe in the church only to realize that I would be used and be another victim to someone else’s selfish desires. You will then know why I am not at a specific church and have no plans of going back there. People in church will hurt you and you will feel as if God is not there for you, but please understand that God was not the one who hurt you. God did not tell them to mess you up but He will be there to carry you through the hurt, pain and healing process.

Based on previous posts I have written, you will learn that I was molested on more than one occasions, which I did not get help for until I realized that they were affecting me more than I realized. My experiences and trauma have made unwise decisions for me such as searching for a father figure and as a result, dating older men. This also caused me to be defensive about myself and build walls higher than the great walls of China.

Marriage is a union that was created by God; it is sacred and not to be taken lightly

For years I was ‘messing around’ with a minister in the church. We exchanged numbers because he was planning an event and I wanted to attend. At the time, I was a new convert in the church and I did not know anyone; (I was the only person saved in my family at the time). Entering into the church with a lot of baggage such as hate, unforgiveness, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, hurt, unhealed trauma on top of new trauma, a lot of things were swirling around in my mind.

I thought that by going to church, I would be healed and everything would fall into place, BUT I was wrong! Exchanging numbers with this person was a big mistake. At first, this person seemed to care about me and my well-being. He was so interested in things I did. One day, I was on the verge of committing suicide. I was tired of living and I messaged him. He told me to message someone on Facebook to get help and so I did, but I was always seen as mentally fragile to this person because he knew what I was going through and my thought. Because of my experiences I would take out my problems on him.

Conversations with this minister, shifted from checking in, to sexual topics which were always initiated by him. I did not stop it. I was so used to men trying to help me and in the process taking from me so it meant nothing to me. I encouraged it. I knew it was wrong more so because he was married (after hearing marriage you all start to rebuke me, right!). This continued for a couple of months until one day I became so irritated because I saw this person in the pulpit, I could not worship and I could not focus after realizing that he was preaching about holiness but yet he was in my DMs doing the opposite of what he was preaching. So, I told my mentor at the time and I was encouraged to go to the pastor because I am not the only person this had happened to. I went to my pastor and told him what had happened in detail. My pastor assured me that he would speak with him which he did. I blocked him and moved on with my life in 2017. Even though I moved on, I always had a rebound. Yeah!!

In 2019, I was looking for a number on my phone and was calling persons to see if I could get to the person. However, I called him instead. His number was not stored in my phone but it was in my blocked list. After I told him that he was not the person I am looking for, I did not block the number again so we ended up messaging each other again shortly after the call. It took him longer to go back to his sexual conversations because he was not sure if I would tell on him again. It took him a couple of months to do so and once he ‘trusted’ me again, we continued with the relationship. We did not have sex or sleep together, but the gifts, the compliments, the jealousy, the attention, and the meet-ups, having lunch dates, and everything else happened. If I called and he was in a meeting, just know that as soon as he was out, I would receive a call. We visited each other at work. I would go to his place of work and he would be at mine. This lasted for four years.

Yes! I knew that he had a wife, and we tried multiple times to end it, but he became a ‘drug’. I prayed and I fasted and I prayed and I fasted, but each time I tried to pull away, he would find a way to send me a message. Even if he was blocked, I would be contacted on a private number just to find out that it was him. He told me that it was hard to get over me and he can't stop thinking about me. Mentally, I was tired of this relationship. I was done! I even stopped texting every day. I ignored messages when they came in but I just didn't know how to get out of it. This man was persistent!

I got tired of trying and so I decided to comply with him fully and anything that happened, I would just have to deal with it. I did not care about it anymore, I stopped repenting, I stopped praying and I stopped going to church. I did not want to hear what God wanted to say to me, "yes I got myself in this mess but I want you to take me out of it. I prayed and I fasted about it. God! Take me out of this situation". So I gave up and gave the minister my attention.

BUT... God said, “Not this one! Too many females leave the church because of him and you won't be one of them” I started to get dreams and attacks and people getting dreams and telling me about them. One of those dreams was my wake-up call because it would end with me being back out in the world. After that dream, I told only three persons about it. I told them about the things I heard and things that happened to me. How it showed me that God was not having it. That I would not die like this.

I told my pastor about it again and he told me that I needed to get help because of my childhood trauma. I agreed with him because that was true. He also expressed his disappointment with the situation. Even though, it was the same approach as the first incident. I decided that I would not attend the church anymore.

This person preaches holiness every chance he gets. This is what happened to me, and even though persons know what happened, this person still carries on his duties as if nothing happened. This may be because he is a minister; he is valuable to the church and I am not, so nothing will happen.

I am pouring out my heart in this writing because I want the female who has been a victim of his selfish desires to know that. You are not alone. I am sorry that things went down the road that they did. You were not the problem. He was and it is very unfortunate that so many females leave the church because of one person. It is also unfortunate that there are those who are in authority in the church taking advantage of females who are hurting, and adding to that hurt, scarring them. Those females did not feel safe and not many will leave and go to another church like I did. As frustrated as I was, that's how they were until they eventually left the church because they know that no one was going to defend them. People in high authority are never wrong. I struggled with writing this because of what people would think of me but I do not care anymore. My mind, body and soul needs healing and I’m seeking that help now. But I also wrote it so that ALL the men in authority know that if YOU try to do anyone else wrong, you will be punished; and for those who know and do nothing about it, the same goes for you. It's just like a child who is being abused and everyone knows about it but does nothing to take action to save that child.

I am not hurting and I have forgiven this man and all those who have hurt me in the past. It takes a lot to do this, but I needed to move on, I was advised not to write this until I am healed and so that is what I am doing.

In Ephesians 5:25 it reads "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her."

Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

With that being said, females "The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." Zephaniah 3:17.

The Lord said, "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Deuteronomy 31:6.

And remember "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6